The Penile Padlock (Post #34)

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“The Penile Padlock” (Post #34) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

 

Years ago, I thought of inventing an odor-control liner for my underwear (containing activated charcoal).  After being in close proximity with the general public, I thought it may come in handy.  After all, I do like onions.  Well, I never DID invent that, and by now, I’m sure someone else has become a millionaire with that idea.

So – now I’m working on the details of my second underwear peripheral, the ‘Penile Padlock’.  Its function?  It would provide control when the male user has little or no control of his passion.

Some of its features would include: compatible with both briefs and boxers; automatic locking feature whenever it senses arousal; and the all important feature – it would be dishwasher safe!

And now to get serious. . .    In my last post (#33), I promised that I would offer suggestions of how you could “control that out-of-control attraction to your date’s body, so you can continue to date them without compromising your beliefs and morality.”  So, here we go.  I have not looked at anyone else’s research on this topic, so these suggestions are solely based on my ‘findings’.  (OK, OK, they’re based on my mistakes!)

1.  First of all, you must have a faith-based morality.  If you have no ethics, and just enjoy being in the ‘used furniture business’, well then, just stop reading this post RIGHT NOW.  My faith-based morality originates from scripture in the Bible.  Sex is to be saved for the marriage bed.   Period.

2.  You need to share those morals with your date.  Now, for heaven’s sake, I’m not suggesting that you do that on the first date.  Well – at least not at the beginning of the first date.  You DON’T walk up to her and say, “Hi there, my name is Henry; I don’t want to have sex with you” all in the same breath.  But when you DO see that she IS worth your investment of heart and soul, you NEED to communicate your desire to save that culminating act of love for marriage; if/when that ever happens for the two of you.

By vocalizing that desire and commitment with her, it’ll accomplish two things: first it should earn her respect for you.  Secondly, the two of you will become a team working together to honor that commitment.

Typically, when I expressed the desire to remain celibate with a woman I was dating,   she automatically became my partner to hold me accountable to that ambition.  When my passions were aroused and I wanted to ‘cross the line’, IF SHE TRULY CARED ABOUT ME AND OUR RELATIONSHIP, she would gently stop me.   My normal reaction to being stopped by a woman would be that of rejection – I’d be upset, put off, frustrated.  You men know exactly what I’m talking about.  But realizing that she did it because she cared about me – and more important, cared about ‘us’, I accepted her ‘brakes’ with grace.

And vice versa.  There were times when she would start to ‘cross the line’.  And then it was my responsibility to put ‘on the brakes’.  And she understood my response.  She wasn’t offended.  When you’re a team – ONE OF YOU should have self control (like a designated driver).  And since you ARE A TEAM working towards the same goal, the odds are pretty good that ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE SELF CONTROL WHEN THE OTHER IS WEAK.  (Especially if both of you are committed to the teachings of scripture.)

If your relationship is what it should be with our Jesus Christ, HE WILL PROVIDE.  Way, WAY back in my adolescent years of dating – and now all the way through these current widower years, I have had help from my Heavenly Father with my commitment to remain celibate.  There were MANY times when ‘out of nowhere’, an interruption like a phone call, text, door bell, clanking heat pipes, or some other unexpected noise or event interrupted an inappropriate session of intimacy.

3.  Don’t put yourself in compromising situations:  plan your dates well; little or no down time.   You’ll both be wondering  “OK, so now what do we do?  Nothing else to do so let’s make out.”  My advice – stay busy.  Fill the time.  OR – go double dating – or dating with a group.  It will help keep you away from too much time alone.

4.   Plan to have devotions together when you’re most vulnerable.  For me, it was late evening when I was at my weakest.  Oh, and make your goodnight’s brief.  Agree to keep those final kisses to 5 seconds or less.

5.  Save your passionate creativity for after the marriage.  I remember doing something special with Hershey’s miniature candy bars.  It was kinky – but it was oh, so much fun.  SAVE IT for your marriage!  Your marriage bed should be anything but routine.  But don’t exhaust your creativity before the marriage.  It will get you in trouble!

6.  Use the weapons/armor that God’s given to you.  If you really wanted be a successful hitter against a Cy Young pitcher, you’d study his pitches, his strategies, and his techniques for getting batters out.  You’d then use all you’ve been taught to beat him.  As a follower of Christ, you’d better be using all of the weapons He makes available for you to fight against Satan (see Ephesians 6); scripture, prayer, worship music, etc.

7.  Share your need for support with an accountability friend or group.  Their prayers for you will make a huge difference.  And knowing that they’re holding you accountable will help you be true to your convictions.

8.  WALK AWAY from the temptress!  FROM the Jezebel spirit!  GET AWAY from the temptation.  Stop tolerating it.

9.  Don’t feed your mind with garbage like x-rated movies or pornography.  All it will do is make you compromise your beliefs.

10.   Avoid the alcohol & other inhibition-lowering ‘stuff’ that’s out there.  Using it will only weaken you by lowering your standards and your morals.

My experience with ‘Ruby’, my wife of 38 years proved to me that God will reward your marriage if you save that ultimate expression of love for marriage.  Without me giving documentation to prove that fact, just trust me on that claim.  There’s no question in my mind.  God will bless you and your future wife if you trust His guideline for that behavior.   For more information on this topic, check out crosswalk.com.

Thanks goes to ‘George’ for the inspiration of this post, and to ‘Elmer’ for the title of this post. 

 

Pernicious Porn (Post #29)

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“Pernicious Porn”   (Post #29) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

It’s time for me to ‘come out of the closet’.  I need to painfully share a struggle that I have as a widower.  I’m embarrassed to share it – but I believe that it’s important that I am truthful with you, my fellow widowers, because if you are truthful with me, you probably are dealing with it too.  Either way, this particular post is going to be difficult for me to write.  I can only do it because I’m here in the privacy of my own house, and you, well you are widowers in countries like Russia, Australia, or widowers from any other of the 45+ countries around the world that are reading this blog.

My struggle is with pornography.

I really don’t know why porn remains a temptation – but it does.

When my wife ‘Ruby’ was alive, I don’t remember having many issues with it.  I know and you know that this temptation is ALWAYS there for ANY living/breathing male.  No matter their age.  No matter if they are married or unmarried.  No matter if they’re in a happy marriage or in a horrible marriage.  No matter if they are married or a widower.  No matter what!  I just know now that I’m a widower, my vulnerability has me drawn to this temptation more than ever before.

The world is polluted with pornography.

I recently typed a harmless word into my computer browser – and I was appalled with some of the images and sites that were linked with the search.  OK, the images were nothing more than ‘soft porn’ . . . which was harmless to look at, RIGHT?  After all, that image of that great looking girl with the amazing cleavage is just a harmless image.  And it’s not a sin for me to look at it, RIGHT?

Being a living breathing male, I have a natural attraction to great looking women.  Seeing a woman’s continental-divide-cleavage, or her sleek sexy legs is naturally eye catching for me.  Especially now that I’m a widower.  When seeing the real thing in public . . . I turn my head and look away after noticing her (OK, well, at least I try to).  But when in the privacy of my house, when that soft porn appears on my computer, or on TV, or in a magazine, the temptation is there for me to ‘gawk’ at the image; or like a dinner – it tempts me to “go back for seconds”.  And if I do that, then it turns into ‘lust’.  And I know what the Bible says about lust.  It just ain’t right.

The best model for porn control was probably my own father.   Dad and I enjoyed watching baseball together on our small black/white TV console.  And one of the faithful sponsors of the game would invariably be Muriel cigars.  Edie Adams, dressed in sexy attire and impersonating Mae West would be the spokesperson in the commercial.  When that commercial played in between innings back in the mid1960’s, with ‘remote controls’ not yet invented, in a fit of disgust, dad would drag himself off of the sofa, hustle across the floor to the TV, and turn the picture black (yeah, you could do that with a round knob on the front of the TV), and then turn the sound off.  We’d both watch the clock, and after 60 seconds, he’d turn everything back to their normal settings.

A good friend, ‘Billy’, who is a happily married man approached me just a couple of weeks ago, and confided with me about his recent difficulty with pornography.  And he shared how he is working to fight the problem.  Step 1) after he admitted to himself that he was having a problem, he prayed for help.  Step 2) he then took it to his accountability group of Christian friends and got their support.  Step 3) he took positive action to remove its availability (removing certain apps from his mobile device).  Step 4) [claiming this was the hardest step] he reluctantly but remorsefully shared it with his wife.  That led to step 5) counseling with his pastor, and step 6) joining a new accountability group of men all battling the same porn problem.

None of those steps were EASY.  They were ALL DIFFICULT.  But difficult problems call for difficult actions.  And the Biblical book of James instructs us to actually “confess your sins to each other…so that you may be healed.”   ‘Billy’ schooled me by explaining the net result of following that verse; the ‘sin of darkness’ loses its power as it is bought out into the light.

I’m not an expert on the topic.  I don’t know the difference between ‘soft porn’ and ‘hard porn’ – but I have an idea that ‘soft porn’ is images of women wearing little or revealing clothing.  And ‘hard porn’ is images of women wearing no clothing, or involved in some sort of sex act.  And from personal experience, I can ashamedly admit, ‘soft porn’ CAN and WILL lead to ‘hard porn’.  And I can imagine that use of either ‘soft’ or ‘hard’ porn CAN and WILL lead to an addiction.

It will be a topic for another post, but due to emotional trauma, I would imagine that widowers (and divorcees) are particularly susceptible to addictions in multiple forms (alcohol/drugs, sex, eating, etc.).  Porn has ‘brought down’ many a man, no matter their occupation, socio-economic status, marriage status, position in life, or their reputation.

Battling porn takes an incredible amount of self discipline, and help from the Holy Spirit.  And sometimes . . . it takes forgiveness.

NOTE: THE GRAPHIC AT THE TOP OF THIS POST IS A LINK THAT WILL TAKE YOU TO THE WEBSITE OF ‘TREASURES’, “…A UNIQUE AND FAITH-BASED OUTREACH AND SUPPORT GROUP FOR WOMEN IN THE SEX INDUSTRY, INCLUDING VICTIMS OF COMMERCIALIZED SEXUAL EXPLOITATION AND TRAFFICKING.”