The Sex Factor (Post #33)

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“The Sex Factor” (Post #33) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower


“Dad, I believe you’re thinking with your libido.”  I believe that was the comment made by my daughter when she learned that I was engaged to ‘Jill’ back in the summer of 2011.  And she WAS right.

I’ve never actually logged how much I think about sex.  Early studies claimed that we men think about it every 7 seconds.  But a recent study by the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality reported that men think about sex on the average of 19 times per day.  {as reported by The Telegraph in November 2011}  According to that research group, it’s about the same amount of times that we men think about eating.  (By the way, women supposedly think about sex only 10 times a day and about eating 15 times a day.)

I don’t know if the frequency is affected by diverse cultures as found in countries around the world, or by age of the man doing the thinking.  Remembering how I was at the age of 17, I HAD to think about sex much more than 19 times per day.  And at my current state of being a 62-year-old-widower, I doubt that I reach that thought frequency.  HOWEVER, if I were married to another ‘Ruby’, that WOULD all change.

Looking back at the dates that I’ve had as a dating widower, I must admit, I think about sex with each girl that I date.  Come on, now.  Admit it.  So do you!  And I also have to admit that many times – those ‘thoughts’ result in my interest (or lack-of-interest) in dating them again.  Not that I plan to have sex before marriage with any of them – because that is certainly contrary to my morality.  But allow me to explain the ‘Lesson Learned’ here.

If I merely THINK that sex with a certain girl that I’m dating COULD be great, I’ll pursue further dates.  Now, my daughter, that IS INDEED “thinking with my libido”.   I admit it.  I’m thinking entirely too much with the brain below my belt.

I ‘weight’ the sex factor too heavily.  Oh, yes!  My dates have to love the Lord.  They’ve got to be unconditionally committed to Jesus Christ.  They’ve got to be an extrovert, perky, energetic, articulate, intelligent and FUN!  (Sorry, you are probably all too familiar with my list of requirements by now.)   But – and here is my confession – that ‘sex’ consideration was too strong of a filter in my brain.  I mistakenly used the ‘sex factor’ to determine whether or not I should continue dating a girl.  Reason #1 – I couldn’t think ‘happy thoughts’.  Reason #2 – I had TOO MANY ‘happy thoughts’.

Using Reason #2 to continue dating the wrong girl is a huge mistake.  But using it to STOP dating the wrong girl is WISE.  You heard me correctly.  With Reason #2, I stopped dating some women because I thought MORE about sex with them than I knew was right.  I stopped dating them because I realized that I WAS ATTRACTED MORE TO THEIR BODY THAN TO THEIR MIND.  And by making that mistake, I was all TOO WILLING to compromise on the ‘red flags’ I was seeing (which is a fatal flaw!).


I think I’ve finally matured* to the point that I know what is more important when it comes to relationships.  Sex can certainly be the ultimate Godly expression of love between a husband and a wife.  But after being married 38 years to ‘Ruby’, I TRULY KNOW that there are DOZENS of other ways to express my love throughout the day.  Let me rephrase that.  There SHOULD be dozens of other ways to express that love throughout the day.  And, let’s be bluntly honest here, widowers.  Sometimes those sexual expressions just don’t “measure up” to the love that we REALLY feel toward our wife.  Right?  RIGHT!

So if the woman IS worthy of continued dating, how do you control that out-of-control attraction to your date’s body, so you can continue to date them without compromising your beliefs and morality?  I’ll save that for my next post.


*OK, OK.   I should probably have never used the word ‘matured’ when describing me.  ‘Aged’ probably would have been more accurate!


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