“Tourniquet of Love” (Post #25) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower
I’m intrigued with how I bond with some people.
For example, when I find out that someone I meet likes the Pittsburgh Steelers (an NFL football team here in the USA), bridges are instantly created in our relationship. And we begin to swap notes; “Been a fan for long?”; “How do you like their draft picks this year?”; “What do you think they’ll do with QB Landry Jones?”; “Do you think they’ll get back into the playoffs?”; “Should they get rid of Polamalu?” I mean, we begin talking a language only Steeler fans would understand. And all of a sudden, we have jumped light years ahead in our friendship because of this common interest.
I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Maybe for you it’s not with the ‘black & gold’ Steelers, but with some other interest of yours. When you learn that someone you’re with has the same interest, WOW, your conversation and friendship really starts to ‘pop’.
Which leads me to the premise in this blog post.
Since I am a widower, I think I prefer dating widows. After all, more than any non-widow, a widow will understand and relate to the grieving journey that I’ve been traveling for the last 3 years. They’ll not withdraw if/when I relate a ‘Ruby’ memory with them. And from time to time, they’ll relate a memory about their deceased spouse, and I’ll certainly understand. They won’t get jealous if they happen to see a picture of ‘Ruby’ in my wallet. They’ll understand. We’ll just automatically recognize ‘the grieving look’ in each other’s eyes, and recognize the hurt that we’re feeling at the moment. Right?
I feel fairly strongly about this. I think a perfect match for me would NOT be a divorcee; NOT a single-never-before-married woman; but rather a widowed woman. Yep! I think I’m right on this premise. A widow and I would have a lot in common. We’d understand and support each other if/when the going got tough . . .
AND THEN I THOUGHT BACK TO A WIDOW THAT I DATED ABOUT A YEAR AGO THAT WAS THE EXCEPTION.
This widow that I dated HAD issues with my ‘Ruby’ memories. She WAS jealous if/when she saw a picture of ‘Ruby’. She DIDN’T understand and support me if/when I had a tough memory moment. Hm-m-m-m. HER grieving journey WAS completely different from mine. And her marriage was uniquely different than mine. NOW I REMEMBER – ALL GRIEVING JOURNEYS ARE DIFFERENT. So the way that we DIDN’T relate in journeys was actually a barrier in our relationship. Just because someone is a widower, doesn’t make her a perfect match for me.
After all, what do I really want in a partner; in a female friend; for my next spouse? Do I want an analyst? Do I want someone who will be my healer? Do I want a psychologist? No. Definitely not! And I’m sure they don’t want that job either. I want someone who will just love me unconditionally; who will love me in spite of me. And that would be true whether or not I was a widower, a divorcee, or never married.
‘Elmer’, a close friend of mine, recently shared with me that he’s convinced beyond a shadow of doubt that ANYONE can be married, remain married and have a great marriage to ANYONE if they TRULY LOVE the other person; with a SELFLESS love; with a ‘I-give-my-life-for-the-other-person’ love. And if that’s true (and it certainly is) . . . then if I choose to exclusively date widows, I am choosing to limit God’s potential for my life. I am putting a tourniquet on His love for me.
Illustrating that metaphor, ‘Elmer’ also shared fascinating information about Billy Graham’s crusade soloist, George Beverly Shea. He was a widower at the age of 66. And at the age 76, amazingly he married a single lady (never before married) who was 44 years old! And Mr. Shea described that 2nd marriage as blissful! It’s apparent that he didn’t limit God’s love!
How foolish of me to even consider limiting my Lord’s love.