Single Sucks, But So Does Dripping (Post #18)

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“Single Sucks, But So Does Dripping”   (Post #18)  Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

When reading these posts, don’t forget my history.  I was married for 38 years before ‘Ruby’ died.  I’ve recently done some thinking about my past and have realized that before ‘Ruby’ died, I NEVER LIVED ALONE.  In college?  – had a roommate.  During college summers? – either roomed with someone, or resided with my parents during a summer job.  Prior to college? – lived all 18 years at home with my parents and siblings.  So – prior to age 60, I never lived alone.

And then ‘Ruby’ died.

Single sucks.

Sorry, I can’t explain it more clearly with the English language.  And those of you reading this post who are either widowed, divorced, separated, or have recently become single . . . you KNOW what I’m talking about.

I climbed into bed for 38 consecutive years, cuddled up to a loving wife for 38 wonderful years . . . and then, all of a sudden – BAM – no one.  That sucks.  It’s been almost 3 years now.  You’d think that I’d be getting used to it.  But, not happening.

Times when it sucks for me to be single:  (here’s a short list of 10 times)

1.  Climbing into bed (oh, did I mention that already??)

2.  Valentine’s Day

3.  Remembering special calendar dates (like first date, anniversaries, death date, spouse’s birthday, etc.)

4.  Holidays: New Years, Christmas, Easter,

5.  Going to a restaurant, eating by myself at home

6.  Traveling; going on a vacation

7.  When I’m proud of something – she’s not there to tell OR when I’m hurting – she’s not there to listen

8.  Visiting places that were special to both of you

9.  When I come home to an empty house after working.

10.  Going by myself to a show – and seeing other couples having a good time

I’m sure you could add 10 more.

Yes – Single sucks.  But I’ve been reminded that being married to the wrong woman could be worse . . . in fact, it could be ‘hell on earth’.  Allow me to quote some verses from Proverbs that substantiate this premise (most were written by Solomon, the wisest king of Israel who had plenty of experience with women):  (all quotations are from the New International Version)

Prov 19:13 “…a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping.

Proverbs 21:9 & 19 “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.”

Proverbs 27: 15-16  “A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day.  Restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.”

Proverbs 30: 21 & 23 “Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up;” “an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her.”

And then there are these gems:

Proverbs 11:22  “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful  woman who shows no discretion.”

Proverbs 12:4  “A wife of noble character is her husband’s crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.”

Proverbs  17:1  “Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.”

Proverbs 31: 3  “Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings.”

So, as I travel on this ‘land-mine-lined’ path of a dating widower, I have learned that it’s BETTER to:

1) stay single – rather than marry the wrong woman!

2) break up after dating a wrong woman – rather than marry the wrong woman!

3) choose not date – rather than marry the wrong woman!

4) never marry again – rather than (yup, you guessed it), rather than marry the wrong woman!

 

But for the grace of God, I am (currently) NOT married to the wrong woman.  And I can also proclaim, because of the grace of God, I am single!  Thank God! 

 

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4 thoughts on “Single Sucks, But So Does Dripping (Post #18)

  1. #9 on your list was really hard on my father after my mother’s death (they were married 34 years)…..he missed crawling out of the truck and smelling supper before he even got in the back door. I’m sure the empty nest feeling is only a drop in the bucket compared to the singleness after decades of companionship.

  2. CJ, you’re so right. Remembering the scents of favorite meals that his wife cooked would certainly amplify his hurt when coming home to an empty house. And you raise an interesting and possible precursor to widowhood; the ’empty nest’. That unique aloneness hurts. But losing them to adulthood and marriage hurts less than permanently losing them as some parents have had to suffer. CJ, you still talk & see them, and can express & receive love with/from them. So, yeah, it’s a drop in the bucket, but it’s a BIG drop. So, it’s OK to not like it.

  3. well as a straight man looking to meet a good woman to share my life with, certainly sucks to be alone. and so many women nowadays are just so very nasty to meet since they have such a very bad attitude problem, and just play too many games. this is a very good reason why many of us good serious men can’t meet a good one today, and we really can’t blame ourselves either.

  4. Maybe….humour me for a second….she wants a relationship with you, and all you do is stay in the past with the late wife and her family…if .you are dating or marrying her for the wrong reasons..AS THE AUTHOR HAS DONE , THEN ITS DEAD wrong, and at that point, you have no right to complain..WHEN YOU SHOUND HAVE MAN UPPED AND NOT REPRESENTED YOURSELF as something YOU ARE NOT……,WHICH CREATES DRIPPING..AS YOU CALL IT….
    BUT LET ME ASK….WHAT DID YOU CALL YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR AND MOTIVES WHEN YOU DATED?
    POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK ISNT IT?

    WHAT DOES THE BIBLE…..SAY ABOUT A WOMAN’S WORTH?
    WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT HOW TO LOVE YOUR WIVES?
    WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT TREATING OTHERS?
    WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT SELFISHNESS?
    I CAN GO ON AND ON.

    Don’t date or marry for the wrong reasons, when you date , marry, ect, you basically sending the message you are doing so because you have done your grief work, and perhaps searching for the next great love of your life.

    Don’t suck someone in and then spit them out because you have not been honest with yourselves.
    Take the blinders off, get out of denial and be honest to yourself, because it only leads to pain….for someone who fell in love with you, and you were only thinking of yourself .

    Dripping?
    Dripping is a man you takes you to her family for xmas, when you have a family too.
    dripping is a man who goes 2xs a year 5 hours away to her grave, but can’t remember things you want 20 minutes away
    dripping is dealing with his FORMER sister in law ..who demeans you in front of others at church and every chance she gets and every one pities you…yet he says nothing.
    dripping is him wanting you to change the holidays for her family…when he needs to be with your family. .after all ….you are engaged to him, and now it’s about your commitment to each other.

    When you remarry. .YOU HAVE A COMITTED RELATIONSHIP TO YOUR WIFE…not a 3 some.
    Give to her your all…the PRECIOUS LOVE YOU GAVE TO ANOTHER…WE DESERVE NO LESS…SO WHEN WE REMIND YOU OF THAT FACT, WE ARE DRIPPING?

    You guys had the love of your lifetime….THOSE OF US WHO HAVEN’T. .*DONT WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES WITH A PERSON WHO STILL WANTS HER..BUT SETTLED FOR US…AND CANT BE IN A *COMPLETE RELATIONSHIP WITH US.

    I told my guy ..who I’m engaged to .*.that said he loved me….that if you want to stay in the past …no shame…I’ll leave, and he can do that without some irrational woman demanding a love that’s her own and a man in it to win it.
    He won’t have to hear a woman saying to put a leash on his former sister in law and I won’t have to keep getting my hand bit when extending it out to her in friendship.
    He won’t have to hear me ask for respect and remind him I deserve all the same entitlements and happiness he gave to his late wife.
    He won’t hear me say: FOR SOMEONE WHO SAYS HIS MARRIAGE WAS PERFECT…he EITHER FORGOT WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE IN LOVE LIKE THAT AGAIN SINCE THE NINE YEARS OF HER DEATH OR JUST CAN’T APPLY IT TO ME.

    So it’s dripping and about to monsoon!

    He is a good man..the love of MY LIFE
    He ALREADY HAD the LOVE OF HIS
    GUESS HE FEELS HE DOEST NEED TO PUT THE THE EFFORT INTO MINE.
    TO THAT I SAY TO HIM….KEEP IT….ALL.

    I’m giving…he is taking. ..advantage.

    SO MEN…..WHO IS REALLY DRIPPING?

    YOU COMPLAIN about quarreling women…to which I say…
    Stop THE BAD SELF SERVING BEHAVIOR that makes us call you out on it.

    WE LOVE YOU, BUT IT DONT GIVE YOU CALL TO DISRESPECT US, THEN YOU SAY WE QUARREL, ALL BECAUSE OF THE NEED TO CANONIZE YOUR LATE WIVES.

    BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR NEED FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP. ..*BEFORE IT GETS TO THE DRIPPING STAGE. .AND YOU *BREAKING HER HEART…..REPEATEDLY.
    YOU GET A GOOD WOMAN WHO LOVES AND ADORES YOU AND YOU SCREW HER OVER
    putting her behind the late wife, then the late wife’s family , her Friends, her dog.

    I’m just sayin.

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