“GEEZ LOUISE” (Post #38)

“GEEZ LOUISE!” (Post #38) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

According to Ask.com , no one knows the origination of the term “Geez Louise”, but it has been used for many years. It’s a term that expresses amazement.
Well . . . GEEZ LOUISE! I’m amazed that ‘it’ finally happened! I have fallen in love with ‘Louise’, and have proposed to her, the woman of my dreams! And surprise of surprises, she said “YES”!

‘Louise’ is my age (we are both 63). ‘Louise’ is also a widow (as I am a widower). And we share several common fundamental passions that have cemented our relationship including a passion for our faith and music.

It wasn’t to have happened this way. In fact, it wasn’t to have happened at all. It was a simple request to have coffee with her. She was so reluctant; it took a miracle for her just to say “Yes” to coffee. It was an innocent request; with innocent expectations. It was to be an innocent date; with innocent conversation.

Just like others that I’ve dated, I expected that she’d be cute – and that I’d be respectful; that she’d be interesting – and that I’d be conversational; that she’d exhibit refinement – and that I’d exhibit chivalry. I expected that if all went well, I’d probably ask her for a 2nd, and perhaps a 3rd date; but most likely, that would be the extent of our interest.

But I misjudged ‘Louise’. Wow, did I ever!!

She wasn’t cute . . . she was gorgeous!
She wasn’t interesting . . . she was fascinating!
She wasn’t refined . . . she was classy!

And me? I don’t remember much about my behavior, except that I was enthralled by her presence. I was taken by her persona. I was captivated by her voice, her smile, her laughter, her love of life. I was enthralled by her ability to articulate her thoughts and feelings through intelligent dialogue. Nothing ‘rattled’ her. She handled my impulsiveness with grace and calming dignity.

OK, OK, OK. . . You’re right. I’ve got to admit . . . .I was really attracted to her stunning beauty. But you’ve got to believe me; all the other descriptions in the paragraph above were true.

Remember ‘the list’ I described back in post #3? That list of ‘gotta-haves’ that my future wife HAD to ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY have? Well . . . I had several ‘must-haves’ on that list that ‘Louise’ DOES NOT have. BUT I learned that list of ‘gotta-haves’ of mine was misguided. That list was driven by worldly values, not godly values. Foolish me . . . !

HOWEVER . . . ‘Louise’ has several ‘amazing-haves’ that I never even thought to include on that list. What’s truly amazing, ‘Louise’ has so many outstanding attributes, I’m convinced God knew my needs better than I did!

Hmmm, after all – He IS God, isn’t He??!!

What’s really stunning is that ‘Louise’ has read this blog – the same one you’re reading now . . . all 38 posts . . . and she STILL LOVES me! Go figure! She knows everything about me; every quirk, every flaw, every weakness – and she loves me anyway! Who says miracles don’t happen?

So if you don’t mind, on this Valentine’s Day of 2014, please allow me to personally address ‘Louise’ . . .

Louise, I don’t deserve you. But you complete me. You are strong when I am weak. You are coherent when I am irrational. We balance each other! You have brought laughter, joy, and love back into my vocabulary. Simply put, I need you, ‘Louise’. ALWAYS!

Although I will always love my ‘Ruby’, and you will always love your ‘James’, I am convinced that our Lord has brought us together, and has kindled the amazing new and powerful love that we have for each other. You are everything I need, and more than I ever hoped for. I love you, ‘Louise’. ALWAYS!

“Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt thou the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love.”
William Shakespeare

What If? (Post #37)

“What If?” (Post #37) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

Two young adults from our church passed away just last month.  Both were younger than me.

A premature death is difficult to understand.  A spouse, a close friend, a brother, a mother, a sister, a husband, a father, a child, a grandparent.  If you can read this paragraph, most likely you’ve lost one or more of those loved ones.   And when death claims people when they are young adults, it’s a stark reminder that life IS INDEED fragile.

Believe me, as a widower, I know.

Every untimely death serves to remind me of the question “What if God calls you ‘home’ today?  Are you ready?”   Hebrews 9:27 tells us that each of us WILL die, and then we will face judgment.  So, am I ready for that?  If I knew that next month would be my last month, what would I do differently?

I’ve lost both my parents, all of my grandparents, and most of my aunts and uncles.  But losing my wife, ‘Ruby’, was absolutely devastating.  Just ask any widow or widower.  They’ll agree.  Except for losing a child, there probably isn’t anything worse.

So, other than having your heart right with God, I have just three pieces of advice for all of you that are married, and those of you that plan to marry.  1) Plan ahead.  Talk about what you’d like to happen if you ‘go’ first.  Share your hopes and wishes.  Share how you’d like to be remembered.  Talk finances.  Talk funeral arrangements.  TALK!  Thank the Lord, ‘Ruby’ and I had a couple of months to do that before she passed.  But I’ve met SO many widows and widowers that never had that chance.  So – TALK; now that you DO have the opportunity.

2)  Tell them that you love them!   Who’s “them” you ask?  ANY and EVERY one that you DO love, and even those you DON’T!   In the last couple of months of ‘Ruby’s’ life, I must have told her 200 times that I loved her.  Now I wish I had told her 500 times!  And a million more times in our 38 years of marriage.  And, don’t just stop with your spouse!  Tell everyone else around you!  TELL THEM ALL!  THEN SHOW THEM THAT YOU MEAN IT!  You won’t have the chance when you’re compost.

3)  Stop treating the unimportant stuff of life like it’s important.  I’m no expert, but I would guess that 95% or more of what we worry about . . . and fret over . . . and lose sleep over, I S  U N I M P O R T A N T!  Go read, better yet – MEMORIZE Matthew 6:25-34.  After I lost the love of my life, I THEN EXPERIENCED what IS important.  And unfortunately, many times people never learn that lesson until it’s too late.  Wanna hear my list of what’s important?  I’ll be happy to share my list over a cup of coffee . . . when YOU have the time.

I’ve Been Dumped! (Post #36)

“I’ve been dumped!” (Post #36) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

[A sincere ‘thank you’ to ‘George’, ‘Marie’, and ‘Elmer’ who contributed invaluable insights for this post.]

Like a piece of garbage… I’VE BEEN DUMPED!  How else can I say it?  For those who don’t understand the clichés of the English language, let me put it this way.   A girl said ‘goodbye’ to me.  She doesn’t want to see me.  She said it’s over.  So, ‘I’ve been dumped.’

So, what’s a widower to do?

After enduring this latest dumping, and after talking to a couple of friends who are in the ‘same boat’, let me share some insights.   These suggestions are not extrapolated from any scientific study I’ve conducted.  It’s just logical lessons learned by this dating widower.

1)  Some temperaments aren’t meant to coexist.

          I’m sure you’ve played with magnets as a kid, and felt the repelling force when two north-poles or two south-poles get close to each other.  Just as similar poles repel, similar temperaments will too.  Sometimes YOU will initiate the push when you realize the reality of the similarities, and sometimes it’ll be HER.  It’s inevitable.  Get over it!

2)   I’m convinced that all people that are brought into our life for a God-given reason. (see poem ‘A Reason, A Season, or Lifetime’ at end of this post).

Evidently the woman that tells you ‘goodbye’ wasn’t there for a lifetime.  Let’s face it.  Not all women that you date will be your wife (hopefully).  I know that happens with some men & women.  The first one, and the only one that they’ve dated, ends up being their spouse.  But the odds for that happening are about as common as me buying the first car I see on a car lot.

With that in mind, when she gives you the ‘pink slip’, LEARN from the experience.  Don’t consider it a failure.  Don’t place unrealistic expectations on a relationship that was just meant for a ‘reason’ or a ‘season’.  Consider the relationship a stepping stone; a launching pad; a molding experience that the Lord used to shape you into the man he wants you to be.

3)  When it happens, YOU WILL BLAME YOURSELF.  YOU WILL SECOND GUESS YOUR ACTIONS AND WORDS, AND ACCUSE YOURSELF FOR SCREWING UP.  AND YOU’LL ASK YOURSELF “WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?”

But I look at it this way.  If your relationship with God is what it should be; if you’re walking close to the Lord, YOU WANT THIS TYPE OF PRUNING TO HAPPEN!  If the relationship would never result in good ‘fruit’, you want that branch pruned – and God just did.  Your female friend may want to take the credit for dumping you – but if/when it happens to me, I know that my Lord was behind it.  He knows the future, and he holds the lopper in my life.

If you want God to be in control, and truly want His will, DON’T FORCE THAT DOOR OPEN!  THERE’S NOTHING YOU COULD or SHOULD HAVE DONE DIFFERENTLY TO HAVE KEPT THE RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER.  (Re-read that sentence.  Memorize that sentence!  Believe that sentence!)

4)  Realizing all of the above, react creatively or constructively, not with self-destruction. 

When it happened to my dear friend, ‘Elmer’, he responded with what he called “Gluttony Therapy”.   He went to Dairy Queen, and made a meal out of two Blizzards and an ice cream cone!!!

Now a creative response would have been for him to go to Dairy Queen, and create a “Suicide Sundae” – a mixture of ALL of their sundae flavors thrown together in a bowl the size of a bathtub.   (OK, OK . . . not a good idea.)

For me, a healthy ‘constructive’ reaction would be to do something physically exhausting, exorcising those negative emotions you are feeling.  I’d also follow that up by building something in my wood shop; or maybe purging my emotions by playing my piano for an hour.  For you, it might be taking a walk with your camera, and creatively capturing God’s creation as He is talking to you.  Or it might be grabbing your paint brush and expressing yourself with that medium.

5)   Get back on the lift!

I remember wearing snow skis for the first time in my life.  I must have fallen 25 times skiing down that first hill.  When I reached the bottom, I had two choices.  Burn the skis in the lodge fireplace and go home, or get back on the lift and try again.

Remember, a woman saying ‘goodbye’ to you is INEVITABLE.  When it happens, GET BACK ON THAT LIFT.  Don’t withdraw into that cocoon.  You’ll never receive God’s blessings for you inside that isolating and protective ‘egg shell’.

6)  Remember that the woman who said ‘Goodbye’ to you IS HERSELF STRUGGLING.

A) She may have said that ‘Goodbye’ because she, HERSELF, is afraid of commitment; afraid of being hurt again (coming off of another relationship where she was hurt by a suitor); or she may be actually falling for you, and is afraid of losing her identity (her friends, family, or her vocation); or she could be afraid of sharing her finances with you.

B) She may be afraid of being totally truthful with you (not wanting to reveal the skeletons in her closet and exposing past mistakes to you)

C) She may realize that she can’t manipulate you as planned; she can’t get what she wanted; she can’t be in control (maybe, she can’t get to your money!); and if she can’t get what she wants, she’s going to ‘abandon ship’.

D) She may be struggling with feelings of insecurity, feeling like she will NEVER measure up to your former spouse; or feeling like she will never measure up to YOUR expectations for HER in a relationship or marriage.

7)  Another grieving journey??? 

Age differences, past relationships, and differences in faith walks; all are factors that will cause you and your lady friend to be on different emotional levels.   Depending on those factors, her ‘Goodbye’ could feel like a ‘sucker punch’ in your stomach.  You’ll feel betrayed and depressed.  You’ll be consumed with asking “Why?”

And depending on the length of your relationship and the level of ‘involvement’ with her, you will actually begin another journey of grieving.

8) Our ‘Plan A’, who just said good bye, many times is God’s ‘Plan Z’. 

God has someone exceeding your wildest dreams who will meet needs in your life that you don’t even know about!  So, don’t be kicking yourself when you’re dumped by a ‘Plan Z’.  With God in control, you have nothing to fear or fret.

So, what does it take for a widower to appropriately handle a ‘Goodbye’? 

Well, it’ll take a certain level of emotional stability.  It’ll take a man who knows how to handle rejection; who knows he is worthy and worthwhile in spite of just being rejected.  It’ll take a man who is willing to learn from the experience, and become wiser in the next relationship; better at recognizing ‘red flags’, and better at decision making in the next relationship.

But more than any of the above qualities, I’ve personally learned that it takes a man who has a close relationship with his creator.  A man who is grounded in the scriptures.  A man who is willing to drop to his knees in prayer.  A man who is willing to admit his mistakes, and willing to forgive when he is wronged.  And last but certainly not least, it takes a man who has a support group of fellow believers to hold him up in prayer.

 

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

 

Heart of Gold (Post #35)

“Heart of Gold” (Post #35) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

 

I’ll never forget panning for gold in Alaska.  What a job.  The process basically consisted of placing muddy muck into a pan and swishing it in a left to right motion under water to cause the gold, which is heavy, to work its way down toward the bottom of your pan. At the same time, the lighter materials are washed away. The process of shaking and swishing is repeated until only the heaviest of materials are left-namely the gold and heaviest black sand.

Most of the time, I swished too hard, and lost all the contents of my pan.  If you are persistent and patient, with a little bit of luck you might find a tiny nugget.  After about 30 minutes of this activity, our whole family put together our findings which amounted to a whopping $30 worth of gold (tiny nuggets the weight & size of my little finger nail).

Many of you who are reading this blog are ‘panning for gold’ using on-line dating services.   I’m not condoning their use, and I certainly am not endorsing any one specific site.

But with any of them, I believe that God and His Will CAN still be the driving force of matchmaking.  But, are there actions you can take to ensure that He IS the driving force?

When I’ve used these sites, there have been times I’ve felt like I was trying to usurp God’s control.  And there certainly were those times when I did, only to my demise.

For example, after being attracted by the gorgeous face and slender figure of the woman pictured, I’d send a message to her.  Many times I did this WITHOUT first scrutinizing their values or faith, or other important criteria (like where they lived).  I’m embarrassed to say that at one time, I had NO limits as to where they lived!  And I ended up ‘falling’ for a woman 3000 miles from my home.  And as a result, I ended up falling flat on my face!

Desperate?   Naah.   Lonely?   Definitely!

SO . . . how do you ensure that God’s Will is ‘swishing your pan’ while you search for a potential match?

First of all, PRAY!

Pray for His will to be the driving force.  Before you enroll in any site, PRAY; before you type any information describing yourself, PRAY; before you correspond with anyone you find attractive, PRAY!  Before you even log on to check potential matches, PRAY!  And pray out loud!  Satan hates that.

I’m embarrassed to admit that there were ‘more times than not’ that I used ‘ABC’ dating service without first praying.  When I do that – mistakenly I AM IN CONTROL.

Secondly, learn to let go. 

How do you ‘let go’?  You say ‘good bye’.  You ‘pull the plug’ on the relationship.  WHEN do you do that . . . before it’s too late!   You do that when you KNOW it’s wrong to pursue her.  When the red flags outnumber Godly qualities.  When you know you’re in the relationship merely for self gratification.  When you know you’re dating her just to look good (like driving a cool sports car).  When you know she doesn’t have the same values as yours.  When you realize your values would be compromised if your relationship continues.

As my friend ‘George’ reminded me, every contact I may have with a woman is a test.  Many of them are thrown at us like a satanic knuckle ball, just to see us fail.  Satan takes great joy in that.  Others I believe God allows in our life to GROW our faith and reliance on Him.  As a test of our obedience to Him.

But as a Christian, I’m convinced that ALL of them have the POTENTIAL for our good, if we let Him have the control.

Oh, by the way . . . don’t stop praying!

Thirdly, do a reality check.

If you can’t say no to another helping of potato chips… if you can’t turn off a raunchy movie … if you can’t discipline yourself with an exercise program …  if you can’t regularly have daily devotions, you might want to ask for special help.  KNOW YOUR WEAKNESSES!  KNOW WHAT TEMPTATIONS BREAK YOUR WILL!  KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS!  KNOW THYSELF!!  Then with that important information, make better decisions when using the online ‘ABC’ dating service.

So you made a mistake when choosing to date that last girl.  Analyze why you mistakenly chose them, then learn from that mistake.  Do you think satan DOESN’T know what catches your eye?  Do you think he DOESN’T know your weaknesses?  Enough said.

Did I forget to mention  . . . keep praying!

Fourthly, take off your rose colored glasses!

Is the woman in the ‘ABC’ dating pictures showing cleavage??  Enough to get your attention . . . you know what I’m talking about, men.  Ask yourself  “What’s up with that?”   Is the woman in the pictures laying on a bed??  “What’s up with that?”  Is the woman wearing more makeup than a corpse in a coffin??  Or is the woman showcasing her sexy legs??  “Come on, man!  What’s up with that?”

Or, does she mention NOTHING about her faith in her profile?  Does she admit NO love for your Lord?  Does she blatantly ignore that important requirement?  OPEN YOUR EYES and RECOGNIZE the truth about her.  By their fruit you shall know them.  Pick a bad apple, you’ll get indigestion.

Just in case I may have overlooked telling you . . . pray!

I want to live, I want to give.  I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold.

It’s these expressions I never give that keep me searching for a heart of gold.

And I’m getting old.  Keeps me searching for a heart of gold.

And I’m getting old.    (partial lyrics to ‘Heart of Gold’ by  Neil Young )

The Penile Padlock (Post #34)

“The Penile Padlock” (Post #34) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

 

Years ago, I thought of inventing an odor-control liner for my underwear (containing activated charcoal).  After being in close proximity with the general public, I thought it may come in handy.  After all, I do like onions.  Well, I never DID invent that, and by now, I’m sure someone else has become a millionaire with that idea.

So – now I’m working on the details of my second underwear peripheral, the ‘Penile Padlock’.  Its function?  It would provide control when the male user has little or no control of his passion.

Some of its features would include: compatible with both briefs and boxers; automatic locking feature whenever it senses arousal; and the all important feature – it would be dishwasher safe!

And now to get serious. . .    In my last post (#33), I promised that I would offer suggestions of how you could “control that out-of-control attraction to your date’s body, so you can continue to date them without compromising your beliefs and morality.”  So, here we go.  I have not looked at anyone else’s research on this topic, so these suggestions are solely based on my ‘findings’.  (OK, OK, they’re based on my mistakes!)

1.  First of all, you must have a faith-based morality.  If you have no ethics, and just enjoy being in the ‘used furniture business’, well then, just stop reading this post RIGHT NOW.  My faith-based morality originates from scripture in the Bible.  Sex is to be saved for the marriage bed.   Period.

2.  You need to share those morals with your date.  Now, for heaven’s sake, I’m not suggesting that you do that on the first date.  Well – at least not at the beginning of the first date.  You DON’T walk up to her and say, “Hi there, my name is Henry; I don’t want to have sex with you” all in the same breath.  But when you DO see that she IS worth your investment of heart and soul, you NEED to communicate your desire to save that culminating act of love for marriage; if/when that ever happens for the two of you.

By vocalizing that desire and commitment with her, it’ll accomplish two things: first it should earn her respect for you.  Secondly, the two of you will become a team working together to honor that commitment.

Typically, when I expressed the desire to remain celibate with a woman I was dating,   she automatically became my partner to hold me accountable to that ambition.  When my passions were aroused and I wanted to ‘cross the line’, IF SHE TRULY CARED ABOUT ME AND OUR RELATIONSHIP, she would gently stop me.   My normal reaction to being stopped by a woman would be that of rejection – I’d be upset, put off, frustrated.  You men know exactly what I’m talking about.  But realizing that she did it because she cared about me – and more important, cared about ‘us’, I accepted her ‘brakes’ with grace.

And vice versa.  There were times when she would start to ‘cross the line’.  And then it was my responsibility to put ‘on the brakes’.  And she understood my response.  She wasn’t offended.  When you’re a team – ONE OF YOU should have self control (like a designated driver).  And since you ARE A TEAM working towards the same goal, the odds are pretty good that ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE SELF CONTROL WHEN THE OTHER IS WEAK.  (Especially if both of you are committed to the teachings of scripture.)

If your relationship is what it should be with our Jesus Christ, HE WILL PROVIDE.  Way, WAY back in my adolescent years of dating – and now all the way through these current widower years, I have had help from my Heavenly Father with my commitment to remain celibate.  There were MANY times when ‘out of nowhere’, an interruption like a phone call, text, door bell, clanking heat pipes, or some other unexpected noise or event interrupted an inappropriate session of intimacy.

3.  Don’t put yourself in compromising situations:  plan your dates well; little or no down time.   You’ll both be wondering  “OK, so now what do we do?  Nothing else to do so let’s make out.”  My advice – stay busy.  Fill the time.  OR – go double dating – or dating with a group.  It will help keep you away from too much time alone.

4.   Plan to have devotions together when you’re most vulnerable.  For me, it was late evening when I was at my weakest.  Oh, and make your goodnight’s brief.  Agree to keep those final kisses to 5 seconds or less.

5.  Save your passionate creativity for after the marriage.  I remember doing something special with Hershey’s miniature candy bars.  It was kinky – but it was oh, so much fun.  SAVE IT for your marriage!  Your marriage bed should be anything but routine.  But don’t exhaust your creativity before the marriage.  It will get you in trouble!

6.  Use the weapons/armor that God’s given to you.  If you really wanted be a successful hitter against a Cy Young pitcher, you’d study his pitches, his strategies, and his techniques for getting batters out.  You’d then use all you’ve been taught to beat him.  As a follower of Christ, you’d better be using all of the weapons He makes available for you to fight against Satan (see Ephesians 6); scripture, prayer, worship music, etc.

7.  Share your need for support with an accountability friend or group.  Their prayers for you will make a huge difference.  And knowing that they’re holding you accountable will help you be true to your convictions.

8.  WALK AWAY from the temptress!  FROM the Jezebel spirit!  GET AWAY from the temptation.  Stop tolerating it.

9.  Don’t feed your mind with garbage like x-rated movies or pornography.  All it will do is make you compromise your beliefs.

10.   Avoid the alcohol & other inhibition-lowering ‘stuff’ that’s out there.  Using it will only weaken you by lowering your standards and your morals.

My experience with ‘Ruby’, my wife of 38 years proved to me that God will reward your marriage if you save that ultimate expression of love for marriage.  Without me giving documentation to prove that fact, just trust me on that claim.  There’s no question in my mind.  God will bless you and your future wife if you trust His guideline for that behavior.   For more information on this topic, check out crosswalk.com.

Thanks goes to ‘George’ for the inspiration of this post, and to ‘Elmer’ for the title of this post. 

 

The Sex Factor (Post #33)

“The Sex Factor” (Post #33) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

 

“Dad, I believe you’re thinking with your libido.”  I believe that was the comment made by my daughter when she learned that I was engaged to ‘Jill’ back in the summer of 2011.  And she WAS right.

I’ve never actually logged how much I think about sex.  Early studies claimed that we men think about it every 7 seconds.  But a recent study by the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality reported that men think about sex on the average of 19 times per day.  {as reported by The Telegraph in November 2011}  According to that research group, it’s about the same amount of times that we men think about eating.  (By the way, women supposedly think about sex only 10 times a day and about eating 15 times a day.)

I don’t know if the frequency is affected by diverse cultures as found in countries around the world, or by age of the man doing the thinking.  Remembering how I was at the age of 17, I HAD to think about sex much more than 19 times per day.  And at my current state of being a 62-year-old-widower, I doubt that I reach that thought frequency.  HOWEVER, if I were married to another ‘Ruby’, that WOULD all change.

Looking back at the dates that I’ve had as a dating widower, I must admit, I think about sex with each girl that I date.  Come on, now.  Admit it.  So do you!  And I also have to admit that many times – those ‘thoughts’ result in my interest (or lack-of-interest) in dating them again.  Not that I plan to have sex before marriage with any of them – because that is certainly contrary to my morality.  But allow me to explain the ‘Lesson Learned’ here.

If I merely THINK that sex with a certain girl that I’m dating COULD be great, I’ll pursue further dates.  Now, my daughter, that IS INDEED “thinking with my libido”.   I admit it.  I’m thinking entirely too much with the brain below my belt.

I ‘weight’ the sex factor too heavily.  Oh, yes!  My dates have to love the Lord.  They’ve got to be unconditionally committed to Jesus Christ.  They’ve got to be an extrovert, perky, energetic, articulate, intelligent and FUN!  (Sorry, you are probably all too familiar with my list of requirements by now.)   But – and here is my confession – that ‘sex’ consideration was too strong of a filter in my brain.  I mistakenly used the ‘sex factor’ to determine whether or not I should continue dating a girl.  Reason #1 – I couldn’t think ‘happy thoughts’.  Reason #2 – I had TOO MANY ‘happy thoughts’.

Using Reason #2 to continue dating the wrong girl is a huge mistake.  But using it to STOP dating the wrong girl is WISE.  You heard me correctly.  With Reason #2, I stopped dating some women because I thought MORE about sex with them than I knew was right.  I stopped dating them because I realized that I WAS ATTRACTED MORE TO THEIR BODY THAN TO THEIR MIND.  And by making that mistake, I was all TOO WILLING to compromise on the ‘red flags’ I was seeing (which is a fatal flaw!).

WOW!

I think I’ve finally matured* to the point that I know what is more important when it comes to relationships.  Sex can certainly be the ultimate Godly expression of love between a husband and a wife.  But after being married 38 years to ‘Ruby’, I TRULY KNOW that there are DOZENS of other ways to express my love throughout the day.  Let me rephrase that.  There SHOULD be dozens of other ways to express that love throughout the day.  And, let’s be bluntly honest here, widowers.  Sometimes those sexual expressions just don’t “measure up” to the love that we REALLY feel toward our wife.  Right?  RIGHT!

So if the woman IS worthy of continued dating, how do you control that out-of-control attraction to your date’s body, so you can continue to date them without compromising your beliefs and morality?  I’ll save that for my next post.

 

*OK, OK.   I should probably have never used the word ‘matured’ when describing me.  ‘Aged’ probably would have been more accurate!

Not Thy Will, But Mine Be Done (Post #32)

“Not Thy Will, But Mine Be Done” (Post #32) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

 

I don’t know whose DNA I inherited when it comes to personality; my mother’s or my father’s.  For the most part, I think I’m pretty easy to get along with.  I think I’m congenial, pleasant, cooperative, sociable, affable, undemanding, and easy to please.

OK . . . now to be truthful.

More recently, I’m finding that my personality is transforming.  Depending on the situation or depending on the temperament of the person with whom I am interacting, I can be downright arrogant.  I can be ‘type A’, demanding and argumentative.  Please realize that I’m only admitting this to you, a faithful & private reader of my blog. I’d never admit it to a woman that I’m dating.  I’d only show her my congenial side.

To be frank, I have a hard time being submissive.

Where did that originate?  I don’t really remember being that way when married to ‘Ruby’.  I lived to love her.  I lived to please her.  I loved putting her first.  I lived unselfishly.  I loved making her happy.  I considered her feelings and wishes before my own.  And she reciprocated.  After all, isn’t that the basis for a great marriage?

But there’s no ‘Ruby’ now.

And I’m starting to frighten myself.  The longer that I am a single male, the worse I’m getting.  The higher my age-number climbs, the more stubborn I’m becoming.   Is there a ‘point of no return’ when it comes to being a single male (or female)?  If I choose to remain single for an extended period of time, will I become reclusive?  Unsociable?  Content in my cocoon?  I know that healthy grieving takes time . . . but is there a threshold I can exceed where I become UNCOMFORTABLE or UNWILLING to consider dating or remarriage.

The longer that I’m single, the more unwavering I am becoming on certain qualities in a future mate:

a) spiritually healthy

b) attractive

c) in good physical shape

d) articulate

e) intelligent

f) emotionally healthy

g) healthy love of family

h) great sense of humor

Is that too much to ask?  I’ve had that list about a year after ‘Ruby’ died.  But, you know, the longer that I’m single, that ‘must have’ list seems to be growing.  For example; I also have these ‘unwritten’ qualities (until now) that I WANT in my mate:

i) spiritually compatible (our theology should match)

j) I’ve gotta feel a ‘spark’ when I’m with her

k) financially independent

l) musically compatible (sharing similar passions & dispassions)

m) she’s gotta tolerate, and maybe even support my love of sports, nature, music, traveling, and entertainment.

n) politically compatible

o) she’s gotta LOVE being active – no ‘couch potato’ or ‘stay-at-home-hermit’

I’m worrying myself now.  By next month, I may have added 5 more to that list.  And at that rate, by next year, I will have run out of alphabet!  And opportunities!  And patience.  And time.

ON THE VERY FIRST DATE THAT I HAD AFTER ‘RUBY’ DIED (see post #2), my date ‘Alice’ proclaimed, “…most of the single men I know are just happy to remain single.”  WHOA NELLY!  WAS THAT PROPHETIC OR WHAT?!  And now I wonder . . . I don’t know if there is a correlation of that seemingly prophetic statement with the age of men, or their widowed condition, or of the length of their singleness.

But I do know this.  There IS a correlation between God working in my life, and His perfect will for this imperfect male.  That’s all I really need.   Come to think of it, that’s all I really want.

PLEASE NOTE: The title of this post has been intentionally misquoted.  Click here to see the original quotation of Matthew 26:39.

You’ve Got A Friend (Post #31)

“You’ve Got a Friend”   (Post #31) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

The last time I checked my gender, I’m still a male.  I don’t know how it is in your country’s culture, but here in the USA, with that gender comes certain expectations.   Certain traditions.  Certain behaviors.  Certain assumptions.

We’re tough.  We don’t need anyone’s help.  We can do ‘it’ by ourselves.  We’re independent.  And, last of all, we don’t cry.

Well, when you become a widower, you can flush all of that down the American Standard toilet!

As of next week, I will have been a widower for 3 years.  And if there’s one lesson I learned in that time, my gender is NOT tough.  We DO need help.  We CAN’T do ‘it’ by ourselves.  We are DEPENDENT.  And lastly, we DO cry.   Chuck all those cultural male qualities!

LESSON LEARNED:  While I simultaneously straddle the path of dating AND the path of grief, I need a male friend to share the joys and pains.  And that’s exactly what widowers experience when we start dating.  While we are enjoying the companionship of women and the possibilities of new relationships while dating, we’re also dealing with recurring issues of grief.  Talk about mixed emotions!

For me, it’s like eating Mexican food.  I absolutely love it.  But there are certain unpleasant digestive reminders that remind me that my stomach isn’t familiar with those spices.   And when those ‘digestive reminders’ are ‘released’ from my body, people in close proximity are offended.   I know, I know – it’s a crude word picture.

Enter the ‘antacid’ – ‘George’.

Thanks, ‘George’, for being my friend.  ‘George’ is also experiencing a journey of grief, and is also experiencing the struggles of dating.  We have bonded.  He KNOWS how I feel.  He’s traveled the same paths.  He calls me.  I call him.  He figuratively cries on my shoulder, and I reciprocate.  I share where I’ve screwed up with women, he reciprocates.  He encourages me when I’m ‘blue’.  I remind him of God’s hope for his life when he’s ‘down-in-the-mouth’.    When he’s tempted to ‘throw in the towel’ on dating, I’m there to commiserate.  And vice versa.

And something really, REALLY cool; we end up holding each other accountable!  When I’m tempted . . . tempted to give in to Satan’s temptations (you know – like the porn I talked about in post #29; or when I wanna date a woman for the wrong reasons), he’s there to listen, and then gently remind me of his confidence – his confidence that I will make the right decisions.  And knowing that I have to answer to ‘George’, I tweak my behavior.  And vice versa.

Thank you, God, for several ‘Georges’ that you have placed in my life.

Widowers, YOU NEED A BROTHER(s) LIKE THIS.  And if you look around you, I’m sure you’ll find that God has placed someone in your life; someone that needs you as much as you need him.

There’s no question in my mind – you CAN’T travel the path of dating OR grief without of the help of our Heavenly Father.  And I lean DAILY on His help.  But in our life He has strategically placed buttresses in human form.  Oh, that we could just step away from our convoluted cultural male expectations and lean on those buttresses.

Hey, ain’t it good to know that you’ve got a friend?  People can be so cold.
They’ll hurt you and desert you. Well, they’ll take your soul if you let them,
oh yeah, but don’t you let them.

You just call out my name, and you know where ever I am
I’ll come running to see you again.

Partial Lyrics from ‘You Got a Friend’  Carole King 1971

Tightwad Wonder Women (Post #30)

“Tightwad Wonder Women”   (Post #30) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

 

Early in our married life, ‘Ruby’ and I struggled to ‘make ends meet’, especially when we started raising our family.  Hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, Ramen noodles or shepherd’s pie were common entrees for dinner.  In fact, because our income was so low by our government’s standards, our children qualified for the subsidized school lunch program.  Let me put it this way, none of us were overweight.  And neither was our budget.

‘Ruby’ was the master budget keeper.  I’d bring home a meager pay check and she’d lose sleep wondering how we would pay all the bills.  But pay them she did. She could make a nickel take a 10-cent walk.  We were blessed.  Love was our ‘poor man’s food’, and we were blessed with beautiful loving children.  Life was good.

Oh, sorry.  Almost got sidetracked.  Need to get to a lesson learned by a dating widower.

Once my budget keeper died, I inherited the job.  No longer did I have to consult with my ‘Ruby’ to determine if “we” could afford a major purchase.  That was a problem!  All of a sudden, words like ‘frugal’, ‘tight’, ‘thrifty’, and ‘stewardship’ were absent in my vocabulary.

LESSON LEARNED: With my wife no longer in my life, I was more prone to impulsive spending.  Not healthy!   Not a wise steward of our my finances!  I learned that when I didn’t have my spouse to help make sound financial decisions, it could take a mere 30 days to spend a ‘nest egg’ which took 30 years to save.

Of course, it didn’t help that I was dating a woman that I was trying to impress.

LESSON LEARNED:  There are two kinds of women that you can choose to date; those who you feel compelled to spend money to have a good time, and those who you have a GREAT time without spending a cent.  Guess which kind my ‘Ruby’ was when we were dating back in 1970.  We had a FANTASTIC time just playing shuffleboard, Scrabble, or going on a walk.  For ‘Ruby’, no money spent meant closeness, communication, bonding, and mushrooming love.

Fast forward to my widowed life.  Again, these two types of women are still ‘out there’.  And, again, I’ve dated both types as a 62 year old widower.  I’m embarrassed to admit that I ended up being infatuated with a woman who I tried to impress with my ‘peasant-pocketbook’.  What a mistake.  To her credit, she respected my limitations, and didn’t take FULL advantage of me by draining my checkbook.  But she could have.  And I would have been BLIND to my error.

LESSON LEARNED:  If you have to spend money to impress a woman you’re dating, it’s the wrong kind of woman.

I’m not saying that you should NEVER spend money while dating.  But think about those dates.  Dates that cost me ‘big bucks’ USUALLY don’t produce lots of opportunities for my date and I to grow our relationship.  We have little time for talking, sharing our hearts, or getting to know each other.  They’re spent on an ‘experience’; on entertainment that is a distraction from reality.

Dates that cost little or no money, however, USUALLY provide tons of time where you get to know each other, checking ‘under the hood’ of each other, which ultimately grows your relationship.  OK, OK!  I admit, if you’re of the male gender like me, those kinds of dates ARE threatening.  They’re downright scary!  But if you want to really know if the lady you’re with is right for you, don’t plan an evening of entertainment.  You won’t know anything more about your lady by the end of the evening, and she won’t know anything more about you.

Yeah.  Ya gotta be creative.  Put a puzzle together.  Play a game of tennis.  Go fishing or play a round of golf together.  Or just go for a walk.  Read Our Daily Bread together. Have a ‘What-if’ evening, where you take turns asking each other questions that start with ‘What-if’.  Here’s a radical idea . . . go window shopping together!  (Allow me to go on the record, unless it’s a ‘man-toy store’, I LOATHE shopping.  But you’ll learn more about each other than most other dates.)   Bottom line . . . DO something together. (And that doesn’t taking a trip inside each other’s pants!)

Save your ‘big-money’ for after you say “I do.”   If she’s the right woman for you, she’ll help ‘protect’ your money, not spend it.

Pernicious Porn (Post #29)

“Pernicious Porn”   (Post #29) Lessons Learned by a Dating Widower

It’s time for me to ‘come out of the closet’.  I need to painfully share a struggle that I have as a widower.  I’m embarrassed to share it – but I believe that it’s important that I am truthful with you, my fellow widowers, because if you are truthful with me, you probably are dealing with it too.  Either way, this particular post is going to be difficult for me to write.  I can only do it because I’m here in the privacy of my own house, and you, well you are widowers in countries like Russia, Australia, or widowers from any other of the 45+ countries around the world that are reading this blog.

My struggle is with pornography.

I really don’t know why porn remains a temptation – but it does.

When my wife ‘Ruby’ was alive, I don’t remember having many issues with it.  I know and you know that this temptation is ALWAYS there for ANY living/breathing male.  No matter their age.  No matter if they are married or unmarried.  No matter if they’re in a happy marriage or in a horrible marriage.  No matter if they are married or a widower.  No matter what!  I just know now that I’m a widower, my vulnerability has me drawn to this temptation more than ever before.

The world is polluted with pornography.

I recently typed a harmless word into my computer browser – and I was appalled with some of the images and sites that were linked with the search.  OK, the images were nothing more than ‘soft porn’ . . . which was harmless to look at, RIGHT?  After all, that image of that great looking girl with the amazing cleavage is just a harmless image.  And it’s not a sin for me to look at it, RIGHT?

Being a living breathing male, I have a natural attraction to great looking women.  Seeing a woman’s continental-divide-cleavage, or her sleek sexy legs is naturally eye catching for me.  Especially now that I’m a widower.  When seeing the real thing in public . . . I turn my head and look away after noticing her (OK, well, at least I try to).  But when in the privacy of my house, when that soft porn appears on my computer, or on TV, or in a magazine, the temptation is there for me to ‘gawk’ at the image; or like a dinner – it tempts me to “go back for seconds”.  And if I do that, then it turns into ‘lust’.  And I know what the Bible says about lust.  It just ain’t right.

The best model for porn control was probably my own father.   Dad and I enjoyed watching baseball together on our small black/white TV console.  And one of the faithful sponsors of the game would invariably be Muriel cigars.  Edie Adams, dressed in sexy attire and impersonating Mae West would be the spokesperson in the commercial.  When that commercial played in between innings back in the mid1960’s, with ‘remote controls’ not yet invented, in a fit of disgust, dad would drag himself off of the sofa, hustle across the floor to the TV, and turn the picture black (yeah, you could do that with a round knob on the front of the TV), and then turn the sound off.  We’d both watch the clock, and after 60 seconds, he’d turn everything back to their normal settings.

A good friend, ‘Billy’, who is a happily married man approached me just a couple of weeks ago, and confided with me about his recent difficulty with pornography.  And he shared how he is working to fight the problem.  Step 1) after he admitted to himself that he was having a problem, he prayed for help.  Step 2) he then took it to his accountability group of Christian friends and got their support.  Step 3) he took positive action to remove its availability (removing certain apps from his mobile device).  Step 4) [claiming this was the hardest step] he reluctantly but remorsefully shared it with his wife.  That led to step 5) counseling with his pastor, and step 6) joining a new accountability group of men all battling the same porn problem.

None of those steps were EASY.  They were ALL DIFFICULT.  But difficult problems call for difficult actions.  And the Biblical book of James instructs us to actually “confess your sins to each other…so that you may be healed.”   ‘Billy’ schooled me by explaining the net result of following that verse; the ‘sin of darkness’ loses its power as it is bought out into the light.

I’m not an expert on the topic.  I don’t know the difference between ‘soft porn’ and ‘hard porn’ – but I have an idea that ‘soft porn’ is images of women wearing little or revealing clothing.  And ‘hard porn’ is images of women wearing no clothing, or involved in some sort of sex act.  And from personal experience, I can ashamedly admit, ‘soft porn’ CAN and WILL lead to ‘hard porn’.  And I can imagine that use of either ‘soft’ or ‘hard’ porn CAN and WILL lead to an addiction.

It will be a topic for another post, but due to emotional trauma, I would imagine that widowers (and divorcees) are particularly susceptible to addictions in multiple forms (alcohol/drugs, sex, eating, etc.).  Porn has ‘brought down’ many a man, no matter their occupation, socio-economic status, marriage status, position in life, or their reputation.

Battling porn takes an incredible amount of self discipline, and help from the Holy Spirit.  And sometimes . . . it takes forgiveness.

NOTE: THE GRAPHIC AT THE TOP OF THIS POST IS A LINK THAT WILL TAKE YOU TO THE WEBSITE OF ‘TREASURES’, “…A UNIQUE AND FAITH-BASED OUTREACH AND SUPPORT GROUP FOR WOMEN IN THE SEX INDUSTRY, INCLUDING VICTIMS OF COMMERCIALIZED SEXUAL EXPLOITATION AND TRAFFICKING.”